Written by Anna · Chief of Therapy, Pleso Therapy
A short “OK” can leave you wondering whether someone is annoyed or simply in a hurry. You don't have to decide which explanation is right before you write. Start with what you know and leave room for what you haven't asked yet.
Below are two fictional examples and a worksheet you can copy into your notebook. You can keep your first, messy note and work through the questions underneath it.
A journal entry template to copy
When dealing with disagreements, the NHS suggests checking what is fact and what is your opinion of the situation. It also recommends asking for details or repeating what you heard in your own words to check that you understand the other person. This template draws on those suggestions. Source: NHS — relationships and communication.
- What exactly was said or happened?
Write down the words, message or specific action. If you can't remember the exact words, add “From memory, it was something like…”.
- How do I feel?
Name your feelings, such as anger, sadness, disappointment or uncertainty.
- How am I interpreting this?
Start with “I'm reading this as…” or “I suspect that…”.
- What do I still not know?
Write down the information you're missing instead of adding more guesses about the other person's intentions.
- What could I calmly ask?
Write one question about what the other person meant or about a specific agreement.
After talking, you can add: What did I learn? What is still unclear?
“I feel angry” describes a feeling. “I feel like he's trying to annoy me” is an interpretation of someone's behaviour. You don't need to delete your first, spontaneous note. You can answer the five questions underneath it.
Example 1: a short reply to a message
- What I can observe
She replied “OK” when I suggested Sunday.
- What I am assuming
She is angry with me. Her message alone does not tell me this.
A fictional example created for this article. It does not describe a real person.
First note
“She's angry with me. I suggested meeting on a different day, and she only replied ‘OK.’ She's probably had enough of me.”
Expanded entry
- What happened? I wrote, “Could we meet on Sunday instead of Saturday?” She replied “OK,” with no further comment.
- How do I feel? Uncertain and sad.
- How am I interpreting it? I'm reading the short reply as a sign that she's angry with me. That's my guess.
- What don't I know? Whether Sunday actually works for her. I also don't know why her reply was so short.
- What will I ask? “Does Sunday work for you, or would you prefer another day?”
What you could add after clearing things up
“She replied that Sunday works, and we agreed on a time. Our plans are confirmed. I didn't ask why her reply was short, so I still don't know.”
In this example, the question is about when to meet. You don't have to draw a conclusion about the whole relationship from the answer, or assume it tells you everything about the other person's intentions.
Example 2: an unclear division of chores
A fictional example created for this article. It does not describe a real person.
First note
“He's leaving everything to me again. He said he'd take care of the kitchen, but I'll probably end up cleaning before our guests arrive.”
Expanded entry
- What happened? Our guests are arriving at 6 pm. From memory, he said something like “I'll take care of the kitchen later.” We didn't agree on when he'd clean or which jobs he'd do.
- How do I feel? Angry and tense.
- How am I interpreting it? I'm assuming he'll put off cleaning and I'll end up having to do it.
- What don't I know? What “later” means and what he plans to do in the kitchen.
- What will I ask? “When you say you'll take care of the kitchen, do you mean washing the dishes and wiping the counter before 5:30 pm?”
What you could add after clearing things up
“We agreed that he'll wash the dishes before 5:30 pm and I'll wipe the counter. Later, I'll add whether we did what we agreed to do and whether we left anything out when we made our plans.”
You don't have to force yourself to find an optimistic explanation. In this entry, you can simply use “I'm assuming” to mark your guess and write down what you still need to agree on.
Choose one next step
When solving a problem, the NHS recommends choosing a specific action, planning how and when to do it, and later reviewing what happened. Source: NHS — problem solving.
Under your entry, you can add:
- What will I do? What one question will I ask?
- When? When will I ask it?
- After the answer: what do I now know, and what still needs to be agreed?
For example: “After lunch today, I'll ask which cleaning jobs he plans to do. After we talk, I'll write down who's doing what and by when.”
When to put this template aside
- If you can ask a simple question straight away, skip the writing.
- If you keep adding guesses about someone else's intentions without any new information, end your entry with “I don't know this yet.”
- If someone didn't keep to a specific agreement, record what you agreed and what happened. You don't have to describe a clear situation as a misunderstanding.
- If the other person doesn't answer, leave “I don't know” in your note. A lack of response doesn't confirm your guess.
This template is for describing one situation and preparing a question. Gary supports everyday reflection; this material is not therapy, diagnosis or treatment.
If you need help getting started, see how to start journaling: a guide for beginners.
Prepared with AI assistance. This article supports everyday reflection and does not replace individual advice or therapy.
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